so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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