hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
