i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
