is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
