You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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