Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
