New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
