Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
