you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
