Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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