That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
