I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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