The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
