Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
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