I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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