Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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