perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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