Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
