Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
