I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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