I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
