I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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