Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
