Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am one with the molecules
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
