Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
