Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Everclear isn't food dammit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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