you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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