1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
