My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
