Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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