overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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