Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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