On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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