Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Dicks are not precious.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
