I wannas sexs uuuuu
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
