It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Green mimosas i think yes
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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