I wish I could punch you in the face.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
