His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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