Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
