Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
