my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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