I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
There's always time for handjobs
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
