Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
