My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
