When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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