mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
