I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
