You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
