I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
