from now on my penis is your penis
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
